a pause on normal posting, to make space for me to try and clear some head-space by emptying everything here..maybe it will make more sense..
i think i'm in self-destruct mode at the moment..do you ever feel as though everything is falling apart, i doubt i can be the only one who feels this way..? my head hurts so much. i feel sick. i can't sleep. or eat. or anything.
i feel as though i can't do anythign right recently; a lot of things are worrying me and upsetting me this week, and more sadly, the people i thought i could rely on have let me down, which pretty much serves me right for giving them a second chance after the last time they did..after all the help and support i have given out, it's like a kick in the face to realise that i have just been wasting my time..how are you supposed to know where you stand with someone who constantly lies to you and upsets you, and then acts like it's your problem when you're upset by it?! it makes me feel stupid because everything i do to try and help gets thrown back at me, but instead of seeing that as ungrateful and not trying to help anymore, it makes me try harder, which just makes it hurt so much more the next time when the same thing happens all over again..i'm mentally exhausted by that worthless feeling it causes me..
i'm really mad at that feeling of being totally helpless when there is nothing you can do..for example, lots of stupid little things are annoying me at home; the washing machine still doesn't work, and i can't get a part for it myself as they are no longer in production; the electricity company are still not doing anything to resolve my meter problem, which has been ongoing since july, but it doesn't matter how many times i call, there is nothing they can do until someone actually turns up like they are supposed to and solves it..my recent tests from the hospital came back with some not-so-good results, and i can't do anything about that either until i the end of jan when i have a next appt..it frustrates me that nobody knows what the problem is, and nobody cares that i am actually really scared..everything is making me more sensitive than usual, and things are getting to me waay too easily..i can feel everything spiralling.
i just feel a bit lost, like trying to fill up all my time trying to keep everyone else happy is taking it's toll, and leaving my overly self-critical self to worry more that the more i try to do, the more i'm failing..
i had a long conversation at work the other day, to do with futures, strategies and myself..and it left me feeling upset and concerned that i don't have this driving force, that knowing feeling that everyone else seems to have of who they are and where they want to be..i feel like i just float along, and have no idea..it makes me feel stupid..
i know none of this makes any sense, sorry..
i'm sure normal posting will resume soon, at the moment i just need a little time to think things through and stop trying to live in a fairytale waiting for someone else to come along and save me, or even just to tell me things are going to be ok..no happy endings here..*cry*