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Friday, 3 December 2010

fifty thousand tears i've cried..

a pause on normal posting, to make space for me to try and clear some head-space by emptying everything here..maybe it will make more sense..

i think i'm in self-destruct mode at the moment..do you ever feel as though everything is falling apart, i doubt i can be the only one who feels this way..? my head hurts so much. i feel sick. i can't sleep. or eat. or anything.
i feel as though i can't do anythign right recently; a lot of things are worrying me and upsetting me this week, and more sadly, the people i thought i could rely on have let me down, which pretty much serves me right for giving them a second chance after the last time they did..after all the help and support i have given out, it's like a kick in the face to realise that i have just been wasting my time..how are you supposed to know where you stand with someone who constantly lies to you and upsets you, and then acts like it's your problem when you're upset by it?! it makes me feel stupid because everything i do to try and help gets thrown back at me, but instead of seeing that as ungrateful and not trying to help anymore, it makes me try harder, which just makes it hurt so much more the next time when the same thing happens all over again..i'm mentally exhausted by that worthless feeling it causes me..
i'm really mad at that feeling of being totally helpless when there is nothing you can do..for example, lots of stupid little things are annoying me at home; the washing machine still doesn't work, and i can't get a part for it myself as they are no longer in production; the electricity company are still not doing anything to resolve my meter problem, which has been ongoing since july, but it doesn't matter how many times i call, there is nothing they can do until someone actually turns up like they are supposed to and solves it..my recent tests from the hospital came back with some not-so-good results, and i can't do anything about that either until i the end of jan when i have a next appt..it frustrates me that nobody knows what the problem is, and nobody cares that i am actually really scared..everything is making me more sensitive than usual, and things are getting to me waay too easily..i can feel everything spiralling.
i just feel a bit lost, like trying to fill up all my time trying to keep everyone else happy is taking it's toll, and leaving my overly self-critical self to worry more that the more i try to do, the more i'm failing..
i had a long conversation at work the other day, to do with futures, strategies and myself..and it left me feeling upset and concerned that i don't have this driving force, that knowing feeling that everyone else seems to have of who they are and where they want to be..i feel like i just float along, and have no idea..it makes me feel stupid..
i know none of this makes any sense, sorry..


i'm sure normal posting will resume soon, at the moment i just need a little time to think things through and stop trying to live in a fairytale waiting for someone else to come along and save me, or even just  to tell me things are going to be ok..no happy endings here..*cry*

8 comments:

  1. Char I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It can be very hurtful when people you have been there for desert you in your hour of need. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate as well which won't be helping. Take some time for yourself and do what you need to do.
    Sending you enormous hugs. If you want or need to talk just drop me a line. x

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  2. Oh Char :( Give me a ring tonight if you want to offload or just have a general bitch about life.

    I often find it's the practical stuff that gets me down the most. Shouldn't your landlord be sorting out the washing machine? If it's not repairable then he needs to pull his finger out and get you a new one, asap.

    A strongly worded letter to the head of customer service at the electricity company might be worth a try? Detail all the missed appointments and general mess they're making of dealing with it and see if that gets you anywhere.

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  3. I know exactly how youre feeling with regards to other people letting you down and such - one of my friends does it a lot cause he lets other people control him, and I get sick to death of dealing with it. Just remember that if things are really that bad, they can only get better - I tell myself that a lot and it actually helps :)

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  4. Can't say anything constructive hunny, just sending you lots of hugs, take care of yourself.
    All my love
    Sharron xxxxxxxxx

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  5. Can't say anything constructive hunny, just sending you lots of hugs, take care of yourself.
    Lots of love
    Sharronxxxxxxxxxxxxx

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  6. Hi
    I completely understand when you say people have let you down. I read somewhere that some people are natural givers and some are natural takers. What some people think is their natural right to have (possessions, attention, other peoples' time, etc) others wouldn't dream of asking for. I don't know if that's any help but it was to me in a similar situation. Sorry about the medical results, I don't know what they are but the NHS do just leave you to it, I feel. If these things weren't going on I'm sure the practical stuff would be a doddle.
    Be kind to yourself.
    xx

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  7. *hugs* You poor thing - take care of yourself and take all the time that you need.

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  8. Awwww Char sorry to hear you have been feeling like this. It's always like a kick in the teeth when someone that you respected and trusted lets you down :o(

    I think we all have times when stuff gets on top of us and by letting it all out thats the first step to making yourself feel better. It's no good to keep it all bottled in hunni - hope having a little let off has helped a bit xxx

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