Monday, 14 November 2011

and everything's cool as long as i'm getting thinner..

stocking : tights uk // shoes : primark
tiger bangle : topshop

so this morning i've woken up to my cold from the weekend not being any better, and after the majority of the weekend was spent with the power off at my flat, and a heightened level of misery, i think it's all adding up to put me in a bit of a whingey mood!

here are a couple of things which have been playing on my mind to start off the week..i'm hoping that once i have got them into words, i will no longer be full of rage!

first of all, this post by a thrifty mrs yesterday evening, totally hit home with me..i have to admit i haven't been in the best of moods, emotionally, for the last few weeks..this breakup has hit me hard, and i am struggling with things, i know this is nobody's fault but my own, and i have to work through it myself..i'm not expecting anyone to fix things for me, so please don't misunderstand..

a few months ago, a friend of mine went through a similar situation..i did what i thought any friend would do in that situation, i rallied round, took food and dvds round to hers for nights in, took her away for the weekend whilst he moved out, and was at the end of my phone for her whenever she needed anything, checked in with her every day even if just a little text..which is making me wonder what's so different about my situation..when i told her about my breakup, the only thing she said is that she didn't want to give me any advice on the situation..
after spending hours talking about her situation, anytime i mention how i feel to her, she's not receptive..i still pop round, but that topic seems to be off-limits, and i quite often get the feeling that i've outstayed my welcome, when really i would just like a chance to get some of the painful thoughts off my chest..but instead, i end up crying to myself on my sofa, because i don't want to be a burden on anyone else and make them listen to my sadness..

i don't know if my worries are justified, but i often wonder if it's me who is the common denominator in my friendship woes..i always feel as though i'm making the always seems to be me who texts everyone to arrnage something, or sends a message to ask if someone's ok as i haven't heard from them in a while..i have one friend who cancels every plan we ever make, like clockwork, about 30mins before we are scheduled to meet, something comes up or she chnages her mind, and cancels..i've even tried a text that morning, checking she is still on for later, and she'll say yes but will still cancel..i wonder every time if i should give up on her, just stop making plans, and every time i give her another chance, and wonder if things will be different..

which, i must admit, sounds a lot like a certain relationship, maybe this is all down to me..maybe i'm too forgiving, too weak, and let myself be walked over, taken advantage of, and then forgive and forget too readily..? sometimes i'll think i have made plans which we have all agreed on, with some of my friends, get all the way there and then be told that they are actually busy, and hadn't thought to mention it..why do i think nothing of dropping everything to go and see a friend if something has happened, regardless of where they are or what it is, and yet, when i need someone to talk to, i scroll through my phone-book and can't find anyone i know would be there for me..

my second topic of whinge..whilst i haven't really blogged about it lately, i don't think my lack of confidence and contentment when it comes to the way i look (ie my size and shape) has ever been a very well-hidden secret..i don't honestly remember ever looking in a mirror and being happy with the 'me' part of my reflection, and however i dress it up in clothes and shoes, i can't get past what is underneath all that..

i've always been quite scared of the scales, or of joining a 'slimming club'..when i have mentioned my plans to lose weight to friends they get laughed off with comments like "you don't have to lose any weight", which can be quite frustrating..aren't we, as a society, always trying to promote better body confidence (a la Gok) and make people feel more happy about their body? if so, why not be supportive in the way in which i can make myself happier about mine? why is it apparently only socially acceptable to encourage diet-plans in the clinically obese?!

as i haven't weighed in on the wii fit for a while (about 3months ago was the last recorded weigh-in) and the breakup sadness has clearly taken it's toll in the past month, i did a starting point weigh in recently and had managed to lose 10lbs since the last time i had used the fit-board, i was quite happy about where i was starting..i have been trying to make sure i swim every day, and watching what i eat, cutting out anything which is unnecesarily calorific - ie. would i rather be thin one day or have a chocolate eclair because it's someone's birthday and they brought them in..

i have also been trying to get back into the 30 day shred, and have been doing 100 sit ups every morning before getting ready for work..after a week i did another wii fit session and weighed in recording a loss of 3lbs, and various inches lost, much to the delight of the supportive folks on twitter who are keeping me sane on the journey..i'm pleased that i'm making some progress, and getting on track with something which i know will make me a lot more confident in myself..

what is not helping, is the people around my every day life who are becoming what can only be described as my 'diet saboteurs'..i'm constantly getting comments and jibes from people i see regularly, asking me if i have started starving myself, which is not helpful, as well as ridiculous..if i'm out in a cafe with my family, they don't seem to accept the fact that i don't want or need a 'cupcake' at 11am, when i have had a decent breakfast that morning and am not hungry! on telling them that, the correct and polite response would surely be 'ok, just a coffee then', rather than ordering me one anyway and then getting pissed off when i don't want to eat it..

i think i just got out of the wrong side of bed today..i'm off to swim my troubles away!



  1. I love swimming my troubles away (once I can motivate myself to get to the pool, anyway). I'm going through a similar thing; I've had a really difficult year and my relationship is now very on-off. I also feel like I have to change the way I let people walk over me, but it's so hard...

    You'll get there, the pain will get easier to deal with (I know that probably doesn't help at the moment though.)


  2. I hoped the swimming helped! :) I totally get you though, I am going through similar situations with a couple of friends, I keep on giving and giving in the hopes of something ... and get nothing. I have a friend who lives down the road from me literally, and I'm always the one to text her to try and meet up, her answers are always vague "yep let's meet soon!". When I reply with "ok I'm quite free this week, pick a day", I get nothing back. And so on. Another friend always makes excuses too! Argh, friendships can be hard work! Sometimes they're not always worth the effort when it's all one way I think.
    And as for people giving you a hard time about you losing weight, it's often that they're jealous of you for actually doing something positive, or have their own issues and are taking it out on you. Keep on refusing those cupcakes as long as you, and only you, want to!

  3. Oh Char I wish I could just give you a massive hug! Ignore the friends who are giving you grief about your weight, agreed you do look gorgeous and don't NEED to lose weight but if it's something you WANT to do then they should be supportive.

    And why should they be force feeding you cake before noon? Surely they're the odd ones....

    If ever you're feeling upset remember I'm only a tweet/email away!

  4. Char, I have the exact same trouble with one of my friends! I honestly think if I didn't text or email her to arrange a meet-up, would she ever bother? And if that is the case, are we even friends at all?
    I don't think it ever works trying to change yourself to be less of a "walkover" though- it isn't natural and I know personally when I've tried that, I come across as a bitch because I clearly don't know the line between firm and too firm!
    It's best to just carry on being the person you are and where possible, surround yourself with the people who ARE appreciative and supportive, even if they're on Twitter or wherever.
    Same goes for diet saboteurs. There's a condition called "feeding", where people try to get others to eat naughty things to make themselves feel better/ make them fat. F*ck them! I always think, I'd rather go to bed proud that I didn't succumb to the chocs than regretful that I did.
    Hope you feel better soon hon.

    xxx Maddie

  5. I admire your honesty.
    I do have friends who it's hard to arrange things with but I don't let it get to me because I know sometimes I can be abit useless too.
    Having said that I do get annoyed with people who are only interested in talking rather then listening, when they have a problem it's the end of the world but when I do I feel like I can't say anything because I'll be boring them.....I guess it is just how relationships go sometimes, or maybe I'm just a walk over too!
    I hope you feel better soon xxx

  6. Hello my lovely, sounds like you are having a rough day :( I know it's rather strange to offer a place to vent since I've only ever read your posts and rarely commented so you probably don't know of me but if you ever need it, feel free! And just so you know, it sounds like your friends are the ones who are in the wrong. I agree with Maddie in the comment above, you shouldn't change, there's nothing wrong with you! Surround yourself with likeminded people - those who don't have the time for you are not worth your time! It's not that you're a walkover, it's that you're a kind, loving, caring person and if they don't appreciate that then they sure as hell don't deserve you as a friend! And on the topic of weight, that's something I can totally identify with. As long as you stay healthy in your body and ensure that you keep all the essential nutrients in your diet and don't outdo yourself with exercise/dieting then why not, if it would make you feel better! (By the way you look totally gorgeous as you are :)) Do things for YOU, not for those who can't see what you really need. Thinking of you :) xx

  7. I find a good walk does the equivalent of swimming. You are totally justified in feeling this way- of course it can be really frustrating to feel that a friendship is not two-way. And you keep going with your diet if that is helping you- you know what will make you feel better. Here's a virtual HUG! :-) x

  8. I think you look lovely:)
    I wish I had your willpower. Its exactly why I've put on weight, I'm no good at saying no. (and I'm just lazy)
    Hugs x

  9. You look amazing Char, and always have done.
    I wish I knew what to say, and that there was more I could do :( xx

  10. I think Thirfty MRs has hit home with a lot of people. It was certainly an interesting one for me.

    With regards to weight loss and body confidence, it can be hard to walk the line. It's great to find people who want to improve their body to be happy with it, but there's always a concern about whether that need to do so is a healthy one. Please don't take this wrongly- I don't mean you, but as a general point.

    I think you look fab, I don't see a need for you to lose, weright, but if it makes you feel better and you're staying healthy, well that's your choice, and I'll be supportive of that.

  11. As a 'clinically obese' person (lawl, love how that makes me sound! I really do just prefer 'FAT') and an ex-dieter, I will give you these words. You must accept that you, right now, just AS YOU ARE, is as worthy of care and respect and love as you would be once you achieve your mythic "dream body". Being thin doesn't make you happy. Being accepting and appreciative of you own self and what you can do, and taking good care of yourself (including as much or as little food and exercise as you desire), is more likely to succeed. Don't chase an impossible dream. Don't reach for an ever-changing image of socially sanctioned perfection, which slips away with the first wrinkle. Be you. You are GOOD ENOUGH. X

  12. You are taking positive steps, this is good. As for you friend...well I wouldn't class someone like that as a friend. Especially when you were there for her. You have lots of friends who visit your blog and are only an email away and who WILL respond. You look fab, I adore your outfits and think you dress really well...I like the colour and patterns you always incorporate and feel that shows off your personality.

    I have that Topshop bangle somewhere and now really want to find it ! I can't believe i forgot all about it.

    I am here if you wish to talk more.x

  13. Just read this post - I hope you feel better for getting it off your chest. That sucks about your friends not being there for you when you need them - I'd be so angry if it were me too. And as for the diet saboteurs, there is always some annoying bugger who tries to foil weight loss, it happens to me too!! Hope you're ok x

  14. It's a pity you have 'friends' like that, it's just not fair that you have been there for her when she needed you most and now she won't respond the same way. I would try talking to her directly and honestly, telling her you feel like you can't really go to her with your issues and that that hurts your feelings. If she responds in a negative way, or she makes you seem like an overreacting drama queen, then I guess she's not a real friend to you.