|stocking : tights uk // shoes : primark|
|tiger bangle : topshop|
so this morning i've woken up to my cold from the weekend not being any better, and after the majority of the weekend was spent with the power off at my flat, and a heightened level of misery, i think it's all adding up to put me in a bit of a whingey mood!
here are a couple of things which have been playing on my mind to start off the week..i'm hoping that once i have got them into words, i will no longer be full of rage!
first of all, this post by a thrifty mrs yesterday evening, totally hit home with me..i have to admit i haven't been in the best of moods, emotionally, for the last few weeks..this breakup has hit me hard, and i am struggling with things sometimes..now, i know this is nobody's fault but my own, and i have to work through it myself..i'm not expecting anyone to fix things for me, so please don't misunderstand..
a few months ago, a friend of mine went through a similar situation..i did what i thought any friend would do in that situation, i rallied round, took food and dvds round to hers for nights in, took her away for the weekend whilst he moved out, and was at the end of my phone for her whenever she needed anything, checked in with her every day even if just a little text..which is making me wonder what's so different about my situation..when i told her about my breakup, the only thing she said is that she didn't want to give me any advice on the situation..
after spending hours talking about her situation, anytime i mention how i feel to her, she's not receptive..i still pop round, but that topic seems to be off-limits, and i quite often get the feeling that i've outstayed my welcome, when really i would just like a chance to get some of the painful thoughts off my chest..but instead, i end up crying to myself on my sofa, because i don't want to be a burden on anyone else and make them listen to my sadness..
i don't know if my worries are justified, but i often wonder if it's me who is the common denominator in my friendship woes..i always feel as though i'm making the effort..it always seems to be me who texts everyone to arrnage something, or sends a message to ask if someone's ok as i haven't heard from them in a while..i have one friend who cancels every plan we ever make, like clockwork, about 30mins before we are scheduled to meet, something comes up or she chnages her mind, and cancels..i've even tried a text that morning, checking she is still on for later, and she'll say yes but will still cancel..i wonder every time if i should give up on her, just stop making plans, and every time i give her another chance, and wonder if things will be different..
which, i must admit, sounds a lot like a certain relationship, too..so maybe this is all down to me..maybe i'm too forgiving, too weak, and let myself be walked over, taken advantage of, and then forgive and forget too readily..? sometimes i'll think i have made plans which we have all agreed on, with some of my friends, get all the way there and then be told that they are actually busy, and hadn't thought to mention it..why do i think nothing of dropping everything to go and see a friend if something has happened, regardless of where they are or what it is, and yet, when i need someone to talk to, i scroll through my phone-book and can't find anyone i know would be there for me..
my second topic of whinge..whilst i haven't really blogged about it lately, i don't think my lack of confidence and contentment when it comes to the way i look (ie my size and shape) has ever been a very well-hidden secret..i don't honestly remember ever looking in a mirror and being happy with the 'me' part of my reflection, and however i dress it up in clothes and shoes, i can't get past what is underneath all that..
i've always been quite scared of the scales, or of joining a 'slimming club'..when i have mentioned my plans to lose weight to friends they get laughed off with comments like "you don't have to lose any weight", which can be quite frustrating..aren't we, as a society, always trying to promote better body confidence (a la Gok) and make people feel more happy about their body? if so, why not be supportive in the way in which i can make myself happier about mine? why is it apparently only socially acceptable to encourage diet-plans in the clinically obese?!
as i haven't weighed in on the wii fit for a while (about 3months ago was the last recorded weigh-in) and the breakup sadness has clearly taken it's toll in the past month, i did a starting point weigh in recently and had managed to lose 10lbs since the last time i had used the fit-board, i was quite happy about where i was starting..i have been trying to make sure i swim every day, and watching what i eat, cutting out anything which is unnecesarily calorific - ie. would i rather be thin one day or have a chocolate eclair because it's someone's birthday and they brought them in..
i have also been trying to get back into the 30 day shred, and have been doing 100 sit ups every morning before getting ready for work..after a week i did another wii fit session and weighed in recording a loss of 3lbs, and various inches lost, much to the delight of the supportive folks on twitter who are keeping me sane on the journey..i'm pleased that i'm making some progress, and getting on track with something which i know will make me a lot more confident in myself..
what is not helping, is the people around my every day life who are becoming what can only be described as my 'diet saboteurs'..i'm constantly getting comments and jibes from people i see regularly, asking me if i have started starving myself, which is not helpful, as well as ridiculous..if i'm out in a cafe with my family, they don't seem to accept the fact that i don't want or need a 'cupcake' at 11am, when i have had a decent breakfast that morning and am not hungry! on telling them that, the correct and polite response would surely be 'ok, just a coffee then', rather than ordering me one anyway and then getting pissed off when i don't want to eat it..
i think i just got out of the wrong side of bed today..i'm off to swim my troubles away!