|jeans: new look (via blogsale)|
|sequin jumper : h&m|
|boots : converse|
I don't remember feeling as self-conscious and uncomfortable in anything as I did in these jeans yesterday. I bought them on a whim from a blogsale recently, under the crazy misapprehension that because Lyzi made them look so great, they would look as good on me. Realisation: they are not MAGIC jeans. And it doesn't seem to matter how many spinning classes I go to, or how many lengths I swim in the pool before work, I look in the mirror and don't see anything but a body shape I hate.
I've tried to tell myself that I shouldn't mind so much, because I've been managing to finally lose some of the weight I've been wanting rid of for years. I've always wanted to be thinner, I remember that being my "birthday wish" as I blew my candles out when I was really young - worryingly young really; it's sad that society seems to consider thin to be better than fat, but that's just the way the public perception seems to be.And how mine has always been.
I don't like to weigh myself, I think if I did it regularly, it would start to become a bit of an obsession. I was so devasated the other day when I was in the doctors' office and he weighed me as part of a routine check and commented that I'd put on 3kg since April, that I cried. How stupid is that, when realistically the majority (if not all) of that will be muscle mass, as I now do spinning classes a minimum of four times per week. All I could think was that I was a total failure. Ridiculous, when I look back at some of the blog posts I did in the past and it's clearly visible that I am smaller than when I started doing outfit posts.
Why doesn't the confidence grow as the weight comes off? Why is it that now, when I am several stone, dress sizes (jeans sizes, even!) smaller than when I was in college, I can't wear a pair of skinny jeans for a day without wanting to hide from everyone I see? I used to wear jeans every day.
Even the sparkly shoes and jumper couldn't cheer me up. Needless to say, I hate this outfit and it took quite a lot of courage to even post it here, if I'm honest. But as I was saying to someone the other day, my blog is nothing if not honest, and at the moment my lack of body confidence is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life.