Thursday, 10 January 2013

find the reflection you see to be so damn unpretty..

jeans: new look (via blogsale)
sequin jumper : h&m
boots : converse
If you were asked to think of the one item in your wardrobe which you feel the least comfortable in, what would it be? If someone had asked me this a year ago, I'd probably have said shorts. But, as I mentioned in a post recently, shorts are something I've come to embrace and wear quite often now.

I don't remember feeling as self-conscious and uncomfortable in anything as I did in these jeans yesterday. I bought them on a whim from a blogsale recently, under the crazy misapprehension that because Lyzi made them look so great, they would look as good on me. Realisation: they are not MAGIC jeans. And it doesn't seem to matter how many spinning classes I go to, or how many lengths I swim in the pool before work, I look in the mirror and don't see anything but a body shape I hate.

I've tried to tell myself that I shouldn't mind so much, because I've been managing to finally lose some of the weight I've been wanting rid of for years. I've always wanted to be thinner, I remember that being my "birthday wish" as I blew my candles out when I was really young - worryingly young really; it's sad that society seems to consider thin to be better than fat, but that's just the way the public perception seems to be.And how mine has always been.

I don't like to weigh myself, I think if I did it regularly, it would start to become a bit of an obsession. I was so devasated the other day when I was in the doctors' office and he weighed me as part of a routine check and commented that I'd put on 3kg since April, that I cried. How stupid is that, when realistically the majority (if not all) of that will be muscle mass, as I now do spinning classes a minimum of four times per week. All I could think was that I was a total failure. Ridiculous, when I look back at some of the blog posts I did in the past and it's clearly visible that I am smaller than when I started doing outfit posts.

Why doesn't the confidence grow as the weight comes off? Why is it that now, when I am several stone, dress sizes (jeans sizes, even!) smaller than when I was in college, I can't wear a pair of skinny jeans for a day without wanting to hide from everyone I see? I used to wear jeans every day.

Even the sparkly shoes and jumper couldn't cheer me up. Needless to say, I hate this outfit and it took quite a lot of courage to even post it here, if I'm honest. But as I was saying to someone the other day, my blog is nothing if not honest, and at the moment my lack of body confidence is becoming a bigger and bigger part of my life.


  1. I am less confident in jeans at a lower weight than I ever was at a higher weight. I think sometimes we pin all our hopes on a number, but actually, the more pressure we put on ourselves to be that number the more flaws we see. When I was bigger I was happier and healthier than I was the majority of the time I've been I've gained weight lately, a stone or so at last count my confidence has also grown...I never thought I'd see that day! xx

  2. you know the weird thing... it works both ways. I am too skinny, i hate how i look in skinny jeans. they dont fit my body "right". ive always been skinny but i feel like i used to feel less self-concious about filling out clothes... But i totally agree with laura, pinning hopes on a number will only ever set us up for disappointment. we have to be comfortable with who we are naturally and then (hopefully) the confidence will flourish... i personally think you rock those jeans, i have a pair of dark green skinnies and i would love to feel confident enough to wear them. Annoyingly, i just feel "happier" in a skirt! but the time will come when i CAN work those jeans again with a grin on my face and a wiggle in my booty :p x

  3. I really felt the need to comment on your blog today and I never usually post on any of the many blogs I read. Everything you said rang true with me. I have, over the years, lost a few stone but my image of myself didn't change along with it. I still hated what I saw as much as before, even more probably as I also felt so annoyed at myself for not magically feeling better about myself as I presumed I should when I lost weight!

    My turning point (although I still definitely have bad days!) Came when I got so fed up of not liking what I saw in the mirror that I took what was for me a HUGE step and booked an appointment with a counsellor to talk about my body image issues and lack of self esteem. She helped me talk through things and signposted me to some CBT resources to change my negative thoughts. I also set myself the challenge that everytime I saw a picture of myself and my first reaction was to hate or criticize it that I had to look at it probably and say 3 things I liked about me in the picture and I wasn't allowed say any negatives. Sounds funny but it helped!

    Sorry for the long comment, I just felt the need to share. I hope you that you find a way for your body confidence to grow, you've done the hard work, now to congratulate yourself :-)


  4. I think the jeans suit your shape less than the dresses and skirts you normally wear. My daughter has the same shape. We can't suit every item of clothing. I was tall and skinny as a teen and wanted nothing more than to be petite and curvy! Go back to the dresses, skirts and heels and feel good about yourself.

  5. I honestly think you have a fantastic figure! I blame the media for making us believe we have to be skinny to be pretty. As long as you're healthy, that's all that should matter. Women like Beyonce & Kim Kardashian and curvy and gorgeous! My boyfriend actually prefers it when I gain weight. I hope you can grow to love your natural figure, it gets easier with age. Just looking at the sparkly converse cheer me up!

    The Style Rawr!

  6. I personally think you have a gorgeous figure (whatever the number is in your clothes) and I really hope you can be proud of all the work you have done towards making yourself fitter etc as it is amazing!

    Maria xxx

  7. i'm a little bit behind but before i scrolled down, i was about to post a comment about how amazing you looked. and then i read your post. i relate to you a hell of a lot, i had the exact same thing with jeans - i used to only wear jeans for years, and then when i got out of the habit and put a pair back on i felt restricted, fat, my legs felt chunky and stumpy and my thighs.. god, i couldn't look at myself. jeans are really hard to wear and even trickier to buy and get the right pair that you feel good in, but they *can* be massively flattering, i think part of it is the shock of wearing something completely different to normal (also have you tried them with one of your many amazing pairs of heels, might make a huge difference?)

    i know it can be incredibly hard to feel comfortable in your own skin, but what you have to think is that you have lost weight you weren't comfortable with, which if you feel better for then that's great, but obviously like you said through exercising you will put on muscle which weighs so much more. and because of that i think it's drastically important NOT to listen to what the scales say, instead go by the mirror, go by how your body feels, and go by a tape measure. do not go by BMI, either, because it doesn't account for muscle or bone density at all.

    i hope one day you look back at these photos and think 'what was i thinking, i look really good here' because you absolutely do, but until then big hugs and chin up, i know it's hard but i really hope one day you see what we all see! xxx

    PS. holy crap i did not realise but i totally wrote you an essay sorry!!

  8. I was just saying to Alex, that I made myself re-read my body confidence post from ages ago ( because I've put on a lot more weight over the past few months. Thankfully my head is still kinda in the right space, in that I'm only wanting to lose the weight because I no longer fit some clothes (being practical) rather than I don't like what I see in the mirror every day. Something changed for me when I first wrote that post and I'm hoping it stays with me, but it's not something that is easy to 'learn', to be honest I think it's come to me with age and a whole lot of experience of being all sizes. I think you need to get your head right first (and I'm not meaning that in a mean way) because I'd worry that you would continue to lose weight/work out and still not be happy and that's a vicious cycle to be in. I just want you to be in a happy place regardless what size you are.

  9. You be crazy girl. Those legs are enviable. I should know, I'm envying them.

    I lost a fair amount of weight about a year and a half ago and was stunned when it didn't magically make me start wanting to run naked down the street.

    I had foolishly thought that losing weight would give me the bodyshape I craved. Obviously it doesn't, you are what you are and there's not a great deal you can do about it. I can lose as much weight as I like but these calves of mine are still going to look like they belong to a line-backer - exercising and not exercising doesn't improve matters either. I have big calves. I must deal with this.

    I hope you start to feel better about yourself. There HAS to be a part of you that knows you don't have a 'fat' issue - you're putting clothes up on eBay that are too big for you that I would give my right arm to fit into. And there has to be a part of you that knows that shorts + tights means we're seeing the shape of your leg as much as, if not more so, than in skinny jeans, so logic dictates that you shouldn't be having an issue with it.

    But I know it's a mental block that no amount of cajoling and people commenting and saying you look good will help, but I hope it does.