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Monday, 22 April 2013

that's just me, before we met..

Just a tiny post from me today. I've been trying to fight this feeling for a little while, but can sense myself sinking. It happens now and then, and I'm sure it doesn't help that I'm probably more hard on myself than I really should be. I try to do everything, never want to let anyone down, want to keep everyone happy. I usually end up forgetting that things take longer than they should, and that I can't fit everything in and should probably learn to say "no".

I don't, though. I fight against the tide for as long as I can, until everything becomes too much and I can't focus on anything. Then I start to hate myself for being such a failure. Recently, for not doing everything I'd hoped to by now, for not replying to the letters I received this week, for not looking how I'd hoped I would in the mirror by now. And those feelings consume my every conscious thought. I can't enjoy anything I do, because I feel guilty for not having done something else, guilty for enjoying myself when I should be achieving something else. I can't take outfit photos, because I end up in tears of frustration and hatred at how I look see myself in them. I can't eat anything, because my brain makes me feel too guilty and full of self-hate about it.

I can't explain these feelings very well, but even if I could, I wouldn't try to burden anyone else with them. I guess that's why it's here. It's nobody's issue but my own, and I don't want to trouble my friends with things like this. They'll come up with some well-meaning "pull yourself together" response, and I will feel like even more of a failure when I can't do that at the snap of a finger. I don't know what the answer is, but I hope I'll find it. This never lasts forever.

This isn't supposed to be self-pity, and I'm not in any way looking for sympathy or comments. This just is me. I'm hoping not for very long.

15 comments:

  1. Char, bless you for trying so hard at keeping everyone happy, it's a thankless task that is all but impossible. I can't tell you how beautiful you are, everyone else sees it but you. I really hope you get your glow back soon <3

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  2. I recognise everything you have written here and it makes me sad. Often we take on too much, feel guilty for taking time out and expecting so much of ourselves. I'd never dream of saying anything remotely along the lines of 'pull yourself together', it's not that easy.
    It takes time, time that you have to allow for yourself. Give yourself a break, allow time to feel better.
    It's not a failure to try to achieve so much, be kind to yourself, to be the very best version of you you have to rest, laugh, say no once in a while. You seem to know all of this already but have trouble putting it into action. I hope it passes quickly and you feel brighter again soon x

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  3. I'm so sorry you're having a hard time right now. My thoughts are with you, I know how hard it can be but it doesn't last forever xxx

    Visit The Other Side Of Cool
    Tweet me! @othersideofcool

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  4. Hun, i do the exact same thing. I beat myself up about the most unnecessary things... i worry about letting people down or letting myself down or just being, i dunno... wrong. And then i get all upset and abit weirdy and people notice and that makes me worry that im being a burden and GAH! its too much and i have to go and hide in a hole till i realise that im being silly and there are people with far worse troubles than mine.

    so i breathe.

    And i take a moment.

    Which sometimes turns into a day or two...

    But eventually, i come out the other side and i carry on. And you will too :) Just keep your head down and plough on, those feelings will pass and you will be back to your bright shining self in no time.

    oh and i love that artist, he has a shop on columbia road in london and one year i went mad and bought a load of stuff there for my bday... i love the messages he writes. so beautiful and thoughtful....
    x

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  5. My very favourite Rob Ryan - I love it. X

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  6. Oh Char, you are SO much more than you think of yourself! No one can do everything required, be everything everyone wants them to be or be perfect, it's just not humanly possible (only God can do that!!) so don't beat yourself up about it- you are beautiful and lovely and efficient in my eyes, eveen if not in yours! Sending you hugs!x

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  7. You're one of the most beautiful people I've ever met, and I wish that you could see it :( It's ok for you to be sad sometimes, but it seems like you feel down quite a lot of the time. I know it can be difficult (I'm petrified, and have been putting it off a few months myself), but maybe you should talk to a doctor about it? It's horrible, and you don't deserve to feel this way, and I just want you to be as happy as you really should be - you're amazing <3 xxx

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  8. If google has deleted my comment I am going to be SO PISSED OFF. But, in short, it said you are beautiful, and I truly wish you could see it. You deserve to be happy, you really do, and being sad should only be a temporary thing. If it's persistent, maybe you should go to your doctor because it's not fun being sad, it really isn't. Lots of love Char <3 xxx

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  9. Sending lots of love your way! <3

    Jennie xo | sailorjennie.com

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  10. Char, I really wish I could make you see just how amazing you really are! I think Rebecca is right, maybe the doctors will be able to help with CBT or something similar. If there is ANYTHING I can do, please let me know! Se ding LOTS of love your way <3

    Maria xxxx

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  11. I hope you start to feel better. (And i love the paper cut out!) xx

    www.jessthetics.wordpress.com

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  12. Keep smiling! :). Your blog is cute and I love the Roy Ryan picture you have used!
    emmakatelewis

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  13. Hope you're feeling better soon, I can relate to aspects of what you wrote especially about trying to do everything and ending up not getting any of it done for stressing about doing it! I've not had much focus lately and it's not helped that I've been feeling and looking run-down. Today I felt a big meltdown coming...I must have tried on about 15 different outfits, felt fat in them all, then my room was in a big mess, I was knackered and stressed and feeling crappy and spotty and all for a 5 minute walk and blog post! I know I've put on weight over the past few months, so I don't feel comfortable in my clothes, but I have zero desire to diet (food is one of the few remaining pleasures I have left). I'm sure when I go to edit the photos though I'll wonder what all the fuss was for and I hope you too come out of this soon : )

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  14. I'm very saddened to read that you are burdened with stuff. Sometimes it just all builds up into an unmanageable pile & it gets difficult to get over that hurdle, but I can assure you once you break it down, the good feelings will be unstoppable. Admitting the struggle - even if it's only to yourself in private (which is often easier said than done) - is the magical key of a step to beginning the process, so for you to come on here & tell the little ol' world exactly what you feel is a giant leap. It won't be you for very long, & you will be back to being the best you soon. <3

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  15. Char I’m so sorry you felt like this and I’m sorry I wasn’t here sooner – I thought it was strange you hadn’t posted as much – you are so beautiful, both inside and out. Don’t ever fear that you haven’t done enough – you do far more than one person, and you are an inspiration – to me most definitely. I wish I could be as self-motivated as you.
    Things haven’t been very good here, I won’t burden you with my troubles, but what I have realised is that I can’t keep fighting it. I have to learn to love me, and look after myself to get better again xxx

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