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Wednesday, 4 June 2014

Wednesday Wonderings 003..

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As this outfit is hardly groundbreaking (I suppose that's why I didn't share the photos until now) I thought I'd try and get onto the page exactly what has been filling my head for the past few days. I'm not sure it will make any sense, but that's that.

I've been in I guess what I'd call one of my "self-destruct" moods for a little while now. Every now and then I get frightened, but I can't explain what of exactly. I know this is affected a lot by my medical condition, which can mean that my depressive thoughts can escalate at an alarming rate if I don't try to nip them in the bud. I've been putting as much distance as I can between myself and most other people, including finishing with M. Stupid fucking mood. I feel as though it's not fair to expect him to put up with this, though.

I'm not sure if this comes from comparing myself. To other people's living situations, lifestyles, relationships, size and shape. I know none of that is healthy. I've generally gone through life being pretty sure of what I wanted and whilst I've ticked off a lot of these things, sometimes I wonder if I was right or not in my original plans. You know when you see someone else's life and think that perhaps if you'd made another choice or things had worked out differently, your life would have taken a totally different turn. And who's to say whether that would be better or not. I'm not sure if there's an answer to any of it, it' s just something which seems to be filling a lot of my mind lately.

I feel as though I'm not making any progress with my fitness and body image. Having thought for the majority of my life that I'd be so much happier if I lost some weight, I did that and lost three dress sizes and would say that I'm now at my least secure, ever. I become obsessed with weights, numbers of reps in the gym, measurements and pushing myself and always come to the same conclusion: it's not enough. I am not yet thin enough, fit enough, strong enough. Etc etc. And it doesn't seem to matter what I do; nothing will change my mind. Having looked in the mirror in a shop changing room on Sunday, I ended up in tears at the sight of myself. I'm fed up of being told that I should focus on the things I like about myself, because there is not one thing I like about my body. Not one. Inspired by Rosie's post recently, I decided to keep a tally of the number of times I thought about my body and how many of these things were helpful or not. I'd managed to get into double figures of unhelpful self-hating thoughts before I'd even left the house. And triple that when I got to the gym and began subconsciously comparing myself to everyone else.

I know these moods don't help me. What they do seem to do is cause me to cut my ties with most things, and sort of go into hiding a bit. I'm more likely to make excuses not to do things when I'm feeling like this, mostly because my lack of self-confidence is making me unhappy with just about anything I wear (hence the lack of outfit photos) and I'm finding it's much easier not to leave the house so that I don't have to put an outfit together and feel unhappy with the way I look.

I think some of this is coming from the unhappiness about house-hunting, in which I'm having no luck at all. In one sense I'm desperate to move as I'm so fed up with my current place, but on the other hand I'm reluctant to settle for something I don't like. So I have to keep looking. I wish I was one of those people who just went for the first one they looked at, which everyone else seems to be managing to do lately. I've been making a conscious effort not to buy homewares or do any home improvement things as I see no point when I'm hoping to move soon, but I guess that's not making me any happier about my current abode.

I don't know what the answer is. I don't know if there even is one. Maybe writing these things down here will have emptied my head a little though.

11 comments:

  1. Writing things down do help. And I'm glad you feel you can share. It's so easy to say looking in but I wish you could see how beautiful you are Char. It's sometimes so hard to see yourself when we're always comparing ourselves to others, I think deep down everyone has something someone else would love to have. It's easier to go into hiding when these horrible thoughts encase you, I've been there too, but thankfully after a while I've given myself a good talking to and managed to pull myself up & dust myself off and as a long(ish) term reader of your blog post & twitter you're quite a determined, strong person, even if you don't think so right now. Surround yourself with the things that DO make you happy (as cliche as that is). I hope you feel better soon.

    Def don't settle with the house move, I've been tempted to do that this year just to get away from where I live and to get on the housing market but I think it's best to wait until you find 'the one'.

    Xx

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    1. Thank you. I do think that things are easier now that I've written them down a little.
      I've been trying to get things in order by getting rid of the people around me who are going to make me feel worse.

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  2. Oh Char, I know how you feel right now, honestly I do. I wish I had the answers for you but sadly I don't, I'm here though xx

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  3. I love your dress and shoes! Lovely post and blog. Just followed! :)
    ~Moll

    www.mollymac13.blogspot.com/

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  4. Dear Char! I wish I could help you with this! I will continue to tell you how great I think you look, how cool you are and how you are such a generous, lovely person, even though you don't believe it! I will keep you in my prayers too.

    Is there any way you could take a holiday, somewhere abroad, just get a complete change of scene, sun and somewhere with space, nature and beauty? I find that is my reset button to feel that all is well with the world again. And if not able to go far, just somewhere by the sea where you can walk. I used to go to my Grandpa's flat by the sea in Felixstowe and just walk the length of the beach alone. You're welcome to come and stay in Essex if you ever wanted/needed to though it is not quite the sticks!

    Being with others really is a help, to take you out of yourself if you can bear it at all.

    Hugs to you. X x

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    1. I'd love to be able to find some time for a holiday - maybe if things calm down in the summer a little.

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  5. love the pattern of your dress! xx

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  6. Oh hun, firstly I am sending you a huge hug.....

    Writing things down and emptying your head is a great place to start and remember you are never alone. Not only do you have your friends and family, you also have huge set go blogging friends. We are all here to help with what ever we can.

    X x

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  7. I wish I knew what to say Char. It's so sad to see someone as lovely, smart and talented as yourself feeling so down on themselves. I totally get what you mean in the second paragraph though, it's something which often rattles around my brain. I was so driven in teens and had my life planned as far as uni and assumed I would have most things sussed by my mid twenties. Can't say I envisaged myself still living at home, single and feeling clueless about career/life (if anything I feel like I know even less than I did!) Not the worst thing in the world, but hardly awesome for someone approaching 26. I know it's pointless saying "what if" as nothing can be changed. I have to keep reminding myself that if I'm not happy about something or with my life then only I can change it. Ultimately we're all in charge of our own happiness. That said, please don't shut everyone out Char as I'm sure you have family members, close friends, bf who would want to help or support you. It's ok to ask for help if you're struggling with things. Don't underestimate how much others care.

    I also agree with Kezzie, is it possible to take any time off at the moment? Or sign off stressed from the doctors if need be? You always seem like such a busy person (I have no idea how you do it, you must be wonder woman!) Perhaps a complete break and change of pace/scenery would help..?

    P.S. I apologise for waffling. Take care x

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  8. I've been leaving this post as unread since you posted as I've really wanted to read it and comment. I have a habit of reading posts, and not commenting which is something I want to get out of. I'm really sad to read that you've been feeling like this, and one of the reasons I really wanted to make an effort to comment was because you comment on ALL of my posts, and it always cheers me right up. I think your blog is lovely, and you look great, and I'd do anything to raid your wardrobe. However, I know exactly what it's like to feel uncomfortable and unhappy with yourself. I guess it's about finding what works for you, I'm a sucker for getting obsessed with numbers (i.e. weighing myself) but it doesn't really help. As with some of the comments above, maybe take a few days off, have a little break, chill out and enjoy some you time, whether it be shopping/afternoon tea-ing, or sitting at home watching netflix.
    All I can really say is chin up, and keep smiling :) xx

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