Things ain't what they used to be.
Lately, I've been giving a fair amount of thought to blogging, and whether I still belong in this world.
Six years is a rather long time, and I guess I'm quite pleased that I've stuck to this hobby for such a long while: my attention span is usually a lot shorter than that! But six years is also a lot of time for things to have changed in the blogging field.
I started this blog as a place I could share my thoughts, my feelings and any hopes and fears. I haven't really done that, or at least not to the extent I'd imagined I would. There are several parts of my life which I like to keep compartmentalised, which has meant not sharing it here.
In that time, a lot of things have changed. The way I've written posts and the things I've chosen to write about have changed, but perhaps not that much (although when I look back to my first few posts, they do make me cringe). I've changed a lot and feel as lost now as I ever have. I guess I'm not sure where I belong anymore, but I'm starting to think it's not here.
I've struggled more and more recently with my outfit photos. Although putting outfits together has been something I've always enjoyed, I'm getting less and less happy with my photos. It hasn't helped that since my DSLR was stolen, I've been having to make do with grainy iPhone photos, but realistically, I can't afford to change that anytime soon.
I've also grown less and less happy with myself, my shape, my size and just, well..me, in general. It's as though all of the confidence I once had in myself is sand and I can feel it slipping away through my fingers, but can't do anything to stop it. I don't know how to change that. Speaking to counsellors, GPs and other so-called professionals hasn't helped and I'm conscious that I don't want to waste people's time - if those people can help others, they should use their appointment time to do that, surely.
When I think about all of the things I've gained as a direct result of dusting off this little corner of the web and making it my own, I can hardly believe my luck. Some of my very best friends have resulted from bonding over blogging things and I'm very happy to have those people in my life. I don't regret a moment of it. But these days the blogging world seems to be more about page views and popularity contests, rather than bonding over shared interests and meeting up with people purely to discover more about the face behind the blog, rather than for some hidden agenda.
I'm not, and never have I been, interested in the playground popularity contests. I didn't start my blog to win awards, and it was never a career move. I've got very strong views on keeping a degree of separation between my work and leisure time and I don't aspire to be a "professional blogger". Which is a good job, as I've never fitted the bill. Not pretty enough, nor skinny enough, nor hypocritical enough: I'd never make it in the blogging world.
I'm not sure what the outcome of this post is/will/should be. When I started typing, I didn't know whether this was the end or not, and I still don't. Someone tells me regularly that I should find the time for the things I enjoy, and that is true. I have always thrived on being busy and it seems to be my natural state. I think it's something about feeling more worth based on the number of things in the diary, but that's about as far as my psycho-analysis skills will allow me to go.
I guess I just need to figure a few things out.