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Wednesday, 25 January 2017

So sick, so sick of being tired..And oh so tired of being sick..




I can't remember the last time I got a decent night's sleep. One which isn't qualified by the words "by my standards" anyway. I feel as though I've been wallowing for a little while now and although I hate it, I also don't think I know how to exit the spiral.

I know that when I read Rosie's newsletter recently, a lot of the things she mentioned seemed familiar. Endless tiredness; the feeling of lugging around a chunk of emotional baggage; I found myself nodding along. I feel lost.

I think I've reached one of those parts where it feels as though just about everything which could possibly implode already has, and I'm left to pick up the pieces and start afresh, with many things. I just don't know where to start, as there's so much of it to deal with. So I'm doing what I always do when my to-do list gets out of hand; I'm goldfishing my way through my days. That's the word I use when I start and then don't quite finish a lot of things, which really just adds to the chaos.


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I thought I could deal with organised chaos. On the whole, I totally can. I can sweep that relationship break-up under the rug; I can cope with the fact that suddenly a lot of the people I could rely on have become so much more busy, or have moved away, or things have changed and I don't get to see them anymore; being told medical stuff I wish I'd not been told; and that incredible feeling of lost loneliness which seems to have washed over me lately. I think I'd have no problems at all dealing with all of these things, if they had happened one at a time rather than all in quick succession. Something else happened recently, which was big and scary and which I'm trying hard to sweep under that rug as well. We're going to need a bigger rug. 

I feel sad. And I feel tired. And I feel so tired of telling people that I'm feeling sad. That actually. no, I don't think I can meet up with them because I'm struggling with leaving the house on my own in the evenings. Because I know that it sounds pathetic. That look of disbelief when I admit to how I'm feeling - "but, you're one of the toughest people I know","what have you got to feel sad about?!"- I feel pathetic, and as though I should be able to snap out of it, but I don't know how to. So then, I keep it to myself for fear of the reaction, and the cycle starts again.

Last night, I was walking home and I suddenly felt as though I couldn't carry on, even though I've walked that way so many times before. I felt so scared, and so alone. Stupidly, I called the only person I'd ever rely on for something like that, and then remembered that I don't really know them anymore. I sat on the ground and let the tears fall, until they finished falling. I picked myself up and carried on. Which is what I need to do with all this other stuff. And I need to shake those anxious, alone feelings. There's nothing wrong with being on my own; I used to revel in it, for goodness sake. 

I know that I'm really lucky in so many ways: please don't think that I'm being ungrateful because I do appreciate so much in my life. I just think it's one of those tough moments. I guess I was brought up to think that showing my emotions wasn't strong, and that it was important to be strong. But sometimes, I don't know that that's the best way to deal with things at all. I've always put up this front and I find it very hard to let my guard down. -You can't get hurt that way, right?!-With new people, with old friends, with just about everything. One of my closest friends told me the other day that she feels as though she hardly knows me, and that made me really sad as well as making complete sense. 


I'm not really sure where this is going. What the point of this outpouring is. I'm afraid I'll never be as eloquent a writer as Rosie, or Kathy or Charlotte, but perhaps by letting these thoughts out, I'll find some headspace again. One can only hope. 


I definitely hope that things are going to pick up, pretty soon. I have a few things to look forward to at the moment, so I know I should be full of happy and excited feelings but I'm struggling to feel them. (Does that make any sense?! I fear it doesn't.)

If you need me, I'll be in my duvet fort. 

11 comments:

  1. That totally does make sense, sometimes the numbness is the worst feeling of all, especially if you feel like you should be feeling happy and excited. It sounds like you're having a shitty time of it - I really struggle with feeling overwhelmed too, and it's horrible when everything goes wrong at once. I hope the duvet fort does the trick xxx

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  2. So sorry to hear you're not feeling great, feel better soon!

    * Electric Sunrise - Fashion and Lifestyle Blog *

    x

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  3. You don't have to be full of happy and excited feelings. You're allowed to experience pain and disappointment and fear and unhappiness; they are no reflection on how well you're living your life - they're a way of dealing with the tough bits.

    And I hear you - years ago, I had pneumonia; I was ill for months; and once I was physically better... I wasn't better; I wanted to hide inside all the time and I panicked if I had to socialise and I cancelled on people a lot and I wondered if this made me a failure as a person and if this was my life from now on; and then one day... it changed. Just like that. It lifted. I moved on. And I don't know if that's how things will play out for you but I do think there are low points in all lives and that it's better to acknowledge them than to ignore them. This blog post does exactly that. x

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    1. Thank you for your kind words, Sarah. I know that it's likely that the people I'd usually rely on are getting tired of these feelings. I know I'm certainly getting tired of feeling like this. Hoping that things will start taking a turn for the better now that I've let myself acknowledge that actually, sometimes I can't hide it all away.

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  4. I'm so, so sorry that things have been so awful for you lately, and I wish there was something I could do or say to help. I obviously don't know the full story of everything you are or have been going through lately, but it sounds horrendous and you have every right to be sad about it! Don't let anybody tell you you have no reason to be sad if that's how you're feeling because your feelings matter, and it's okay to show your real emotions, too. It doesn't make you any less strong. It really pains me to hear how sad and alone you're feeling, especially knowing exactly how soul-crushing loneliness can be. I know it's not the same, but if you ever need someone to talk to, you're more than welcome to message me about anything. I really hope things start looking up for you again soon. Sending virtual hugs. xx

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  5. Anyone who asks 'what have you got to be sad about' isn't much of a friend, and most certainly hasn't experienced feelings such as these.
    Feeling like this is not a sign of weakness, showing your emotions is not a sign of weakness, it's a sign you are human, doing the best you can, just like everyone else. Sometimes people feel like this for no reason at all, people who on the surface appear to have it all, sometimes it's just how it is. Accepting that it's happening, accepting that it might be tough for a while is a good place to start. Give yourself and break, allow yourself to be and feel and do whatever it takes to help you feel better. Real friends will still be there on the other side.
    I hope this is short lived, that you feel better soon. Wishing you all the best xx

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    1. I know you're right, but being asked that did make me try to compare myself to people who I consider are going through much worse things. I feel as though they're maybe more justified in their sadness feelings, which I know might be silly and irrational, but was how I felt. So that kind of made me want to hide my feelings more, I guess.

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  6. I've just started reading Ruby Wax's 'Mindfulness for the Frazzled'. And I immediately felt understood, particularly on the anxiety front.

    I'm only a chapter or so in - I'm yet to actually get to the mindfulness exercises. But I am going to carry on...

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  7. Oh Char, I'm dreadfully sorry you are feeling this way. It is totally legitimate to feel that way and you have, I am certain, ample reason to feel that way, whatever others might say. Do remember also that it is January, truly the most dire time of year when we feel at our utmost lowest and it feels that life will never be happy again. The unrelenting dark and cold is soul-destroying.
    Take care of yourself, stay home, stay warm and try to be kind to yourself. Please let me know if I can help in any way.xxx

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  8. Previous commenters have said what I wanted to in a much more eloquent way so I'll settle for *virtual hugs* and hoping you're starting to feel better already xx

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