I can't remember the last time I got a decent night's sleep. One which isn't qualified by the words "by my standards" anyway. I feel as though I've been wallowing for a little while now and although I hate it, I also don't think I know how to exit the spiral.
I know that when I read Rosie's newsletter recently, a lot of the things she mentioned seemed familiar. Endless tiredness; the feeling of lugging around a chunk of emotional baggage; I found myself nodding along. I feel lost.
I think I've reached one of those parts where it feels as though just about everything which could possibly implode already has, and I'm left to pick up the pieces and start afresh, with many things. I just don't know where to start, as there's so much of it to deal with. So I'm doing what I always do when my to-do list gets out of hand; I'm goldfishing my way through my days. That's the word I use when I start and then don't quite finish a lot of things, which really just adds to the chaos.
I thought I could deal with organised chaos. On the whole, I totally can. I can sweep that relationship break-up under the rug; I can cope with the fact that suddenly a lot of the people I could rely on have become so much more busy, or have moved away, or things have changed and I don't get to see them anymore; being told medical stuff I wish I'd not been told; and that incredible feeling of lost loneliness which seems to have washed over me lately. I think I'd have no problems at all dealing with all of these things, if they had happened one at a time rather than all in quick succession. Something else happened recently, which was big and scary and which I'm trying hard to sweep under that rug as well. We're going to need a bigger rug.
I feel sad. And I feel tired. And I feel so tired of telling people that I'm feeling sad. That actually. no, I don't think I can meet up with them because I'm struggling with leaving the house on my own in the evenings. Because I know that it sounds pathetic. That look of disbelief when I admit to how I'm feeling - "but, you're one of the toughest people I know","what have you got to feel sad about?!"- I feel pathetic, and as though I should be able to snap out of it, but I don't know how to. So then, I keep it to myself for fear of the reaction, and the cycle starts again.
Last night, I was walking home and I suddenly felt as though I couldn't carry on, even though I've walked that way so many times before. I felt so scared, and so alone. Stupidly, I called the only person I'd ever rely on for something like that, and then remembered that I don't really know them anymore. I sat on the ground and let the tears fall, until they finished falling. I picked myself up and carried on. Which is what I need to do with all this other stuff. And I need to shake those anxious, alone feelings. There's nothing wrong with being on my own; I used to revel in it, for goodness sake.
I know that I'm really lucky in so many ways: please don't think that I'm being ungrateful because I do appreciate so much in my life. I just think it's one of those tough moments. I guess I was brought up to think that showing my emotions wasn't strong, and that it was important to be strong. But sometimes, I don't know that that's the best way to deal with things at all. I've always put up this front and I find it very hard to let my guard down. -You can't get hurt that way, right?!-With new people, with old friends, with just about everything. One of my closest friends told me the other day that she feels as though she hardly knows me, and that made me really sad as well as making complete sense.
I'm not really sure where this is going. What the point of this outpouring is. I'm afraid I'll never be as eloquent a writer as Rosie, or Kathy or Charlotte, but perhaps by letting these thoughts out, I'll find some headspace again. One can only hope.
I definitely hope that things are going to pick up, pretty soon. I have a few things to look forward to at the moment, so I know I should be full of happy and excited feelings but I'm struggling to feel them. (Does that make any sense?! I fear it doesn't.)
If you need me, I'll be in my duvet fort.