Do you ever feel a little bit like there's something not right, but you can't put your finger on it?
Quite aside from the fact that I can't remember a time before this current headache, lately I've been feeling awful. A combination of the unexplained stomach pains which have been plaguing my life for the past ten years or so, combined with joint pain when I wake up in the morning, particularly in my elbows and knees, and just a general feeling of exhaustion. I know that it's become something of a competitive sport these days to bang on and on about how tired one is, but I mean I often feel as though it physically hurts to keep my eyes open.
And I'm tired of it. Tired of having to retire to bed before 9pm in an evening; tired of telling my friends that I can't meet up, or missing the gym, or admitting to M that I don't want to do something because I feel too poorly. It's crappy, and it's a sign of weakness and it's making me sad. Which can only be making the whole thing worse, right?
And really, I don't know what the point in sharing this is, other than to try and let the thoughts escape from my head. I have become something of a regular at my doctor's and every time the latest test comes back inconclusive, I feel as though I'm a terrible waste of everyone's time and resources. So I now also have this overwhelming sense of guilt hanging over it all, too.
So, I guess if anyone needs me I'll be hibernating until further notice. Or until the next lot of painkillers kicks in, at least.