Wednesday, 31 October 2018

I do...n't.


 The past few months have been peppered with big, exciting life events - both mine and those of some of the people close to me, and it's so easy to fall into that trap of thinking that the traditional life goals imposed on us by antiquated societal norms are the only way to go. Weddings, baby showers, christenings; they're all perfectly good ways to mark milestones in your life should you so choose, but I don't think they're necessarily any guarantee of emotional contentment. 

I've known plenty of people who got married and ended up leaving their marriage because it turned out that a marriage certificate doesn't act as a relationship bandage. I also know people who have cohabited,  some of whom have raised children and been a perfectly happy family unit without feeling the need to arrange a wedding. I'm aware that there are perfectly valid arguments both for and against the concept of marriage, and that what's right for one person isn't necessarily right for another.

Personally, I have never felt any desire to get married. Even from a really young pre-school age (before the Let Toys Be Toys generation, where visiting your aged relatives would result in being showered with faux vacuum cleaners, ironing boards and doll prams to entertain your visits). One of the options in the dressing up box was an old lace curtain, which was used by my sister as a bridal veil. I'd always opt for the floaty vintage nightgown instead and be the bridesmaid, or the vicar, or the horse to pull the carriage. Ageing relatives used to try and reassure me: "You'll change your mind one day." I guess they were wrong.

As someone who shuns religion, a wedding would feel hypocritical, if nothing else. I would not be able to bring myself to spend the kind of money people brag about their weddings costing, on a day full of stress and anxiety. I can't think of anything much worse than being the centre of attention on a regular day, and I figure those feelings would be heightened tenfold.

Over the years, I've lost count of the number of times I've been told that when I meet the right person, I'll change my mind. I don't know how one is supposed to know right from wrong people, but as someone who is part of a committed-enough relationship to have joint life insurance policies and share a mortgage, I don't quite see how standing up and repeating vows would change the way we feel. Or act as proof of how committed we may be. I don't feel the need to validate my relationship by getting married, but I've lost count of the number of people who, since picking up the keys to our new home, have inferred that we're doing things in The Wrong Order.  

Having said that, I know that some people consider that the first part of showing their commitment to someone else is to marry them. Some people I've asked told me that they couldn't consider entering into something like buying a house without first having made a solid commitment to their partner. For us, that wasn't really a consideration, but I appreciate that priorities differ from one relationship to the next.

I have to admit, I'm becoming pretty au fait with having to rebuff hints from well-meaning family members. I mean, if it's not questions to do with when we are planning children (a topic for another day, but just note that it is NEVER your place to comment on someone else's decision on whether to procreate or not..), someone will say something like "so, when will we be getting the save the dates?" or "how can you consider yourselves a family unit if you don't share the same name?!". Christmas dinners seem to have become bingo games to me, these days. 

I know that some people consider their family unit to be more complete if they're married and they share the same family name. I don't really have any particular thoughts on surnames. Perhaps that would be something I'd feel differently about if we did have children. If I were ever interested in getting married, keeping my surname wouldn't be something which I'd consider a deal-breaker. I'm not particularly attached to that and wouldn't be interested in a shared name or a hyphen.

For a society which is so progressive in so many other ways, it just feels a little backward to me that we rest *so* much on this antiquated tradition. Why is marriage still seen as the correct choice, when according to recent stats from the ONS, around 42% of marriages end in divorce. Certainly, of the small number of weddings I've attended, more than half of those had broken down within the first few years. Do people enter into it more quickly than they did in the past? Or is vowing to stay together forever not considered as important as it once was? I know that previous generations didn't seem to consider divorce as readily as our society does, perhaps because they didn't see another option. 

I asked for other people's opinions on marriage too and have had a mixed bag of thoughts. For some, the religious aspect of marriage is off-putting, but the recent Civil Partnerships Bill could, if it progresses through the House of Lords and becomes part of the legislation, be an alternative for those wishing for more legal recognition of their relationship. Perhaps that would be a possibility worth considering. Where people have married in the past because it made more financial sense than drawing up legal paperwork to give powers of attorney, this could provide a solution. 

For some, the things which scare me the most (big parties surrounded by family and friends and having to be the centre of it all) are the main selling points. It's funny how we can all be so different. I'd just like to underline that this is an opinion piece and that I am in no way judging anyone for their views or beliefs, however they may differ from my own. I'm going to leave this here as I realise this is becoming super long. so have yourself a cookie if you made it to the end and please feel free to share your thoughts with me. (Feel free to do that by DM or email or to keep your comment anon if you'd prefer). 


  1. It astounds me that people still have the opinions of others thrust upon them in this day and age when we're all supposed to be liberal and modern. I am married but I have never wanted kids and I still get people telling me that the old maternal instincts will kick in eventually. I'm 30-fricking-4, for God's sake. I think I'm old enough by now to know what I actually want myself. Interesting post, Char - thanks x

    1. Me too, Rosie! It feels akin to bullying sometimes when the motherhood brigade get started on me!

    2. This is an interesting post for me because I totally agree with you even if I come from a different angle. I am Christian so, for me, I didnt want to do certain things like buying a house with someone, unless I was married. Yet, I actually never thought I would get married. I always imagined staying single. And even though I come from the religious perspective of wanting my marriage recognized before God, I have never thought to or wanted to comment on any one else's choices-it is not my business, and frankly, doesn't really ever occur to me to have an opinion on, let alone voice that. I get the whole well-meaning comments regarding the whole children question and I honestly almost strangled a friend once who went on and on about me having to have children and saying it was unfair on my husband not to. The exact words were, "But you could just have a little one!!".$#$@&&$&%!!!!!!
      I walked out at that point.

    3. Wow, how annoying! Weirdly, I tend to get the most grief from male friends, accusing me of being selfish for not wanting kids. When I speak to my girlfriends, they actually advise against it, saying that they are constantly stressed and skint etc so it's a weird one, especially when if a couple decides to do the traditional 'mum stays at home, dad goes to work' thing, then the guy's life doesn't really change that dramatically.

  2. Yes, to so much of this! I also remember Kezzie's post after she got married and lots of people thrusting the baby talk on her. I get it, I understand there's that natural inquisitiveness to wonder who in the family will next get married or have babies, but I don't understand at all the people who really force their views on you, it's not on. Again, I come from a different perspective in that I always did want to get married (probably just for the big dress when I was younger) and I desperately want children, but at this point neither are very likely. That doesn't mean I can't respect someone else's view or feel there's a right or wrong way of doing things. Weddings are the most stressful thing and I really have this hatred for a lot of parts of them and I don't know how I feel about the surname thing (coming from 3 sisters and my Dad just having a sister means that's the end of the line after us) and I really hate some of the traditions, like having someone speak on my behalf!! I was nodding with a lot of what you said, I just wish people could be more open minded and less forceful of their own opinions. There's nothing wrong with sharing and discussing views without enforcing them.