Pages

Saturday, 19 May 2012

dreams of a prince on a tall white horse..

DSC07896
dress: c/o Cothing at Tesco
DSC07897
cardi: new look // heels: primark
For today's part of the FBlogger challenge, something which instantly makes you feel great, I have to be honest. I'm really struggling to feel great at the moment. About anything to do with clothes and the way I look. And this is a post I've been meaning to write for a while, I thought it would sort of fit to explain where I'm coming from.

For as long as I can remember, I have always been unhappy with my size and shape. I know I've never (quite) tipped the scales into the "obese" section on the BMI scale, but I've always been unhappy with the way I looked. It wasn't thin. I've never been one of those effortlessly skinny girls; the ones who'd look like Kate Moss chic in a binbag. I've always been chunky thighs, love handles and a solid frame. And of course, like everyone I know, I wasn't happy with my lot. I don't know any girl who doesn't have a list of the things she wouldn't mind chamging about herself. Eye colour? Height? Chubby ankles? Boobs? There's bound to be something, which you see about yourself as not-quite-good-enough, even if nobody else would ever notice it, let alone mention it!

Mine has always been that I wanted to be skinny. I used to go to the gym every day, spend hours doing sit ups and cross-training, I've tried yoga classes, karate, step classes and even aqua aerobics (which took a great deal of effort to be honest, I'm not confident in a swimsuit, even less so when jumping around in a pool in one). Until I started swimming more often, though, I didn't see any changes to my shape at all. Those 400 lengths a week, coupled with a few hundred sit ups each morning, are finally starting to pay off.

So far, I've lost two and a half stone, and a lot of inches from the various parts I've measured. I know I have lost weight, as none of my clothes fit me in the same way that they used to. And yet, when I stand in front of the mirror, I don't see any difference to the chubby-shaped girl I hated the sight of. I've mentioned the fact that people I vaguely know find it acceptable to mention my weight-loss to me as though it had been an accident. To be fair it did start off that way.

I read this post from Nicky's blog this morning and could really relate to the first paragraph. I looked back at the pictures from my blog posts a year ago, in order to find a particular outfit, and caught myself thinking "jeez, how did I let myself wear these things when I was that size", which I know in a way are kind of stupid thoughts because at the time I was more comfortable with the way I looked. Now I don't feel comfortable in any of my clothes for a different reason; I don't like the way they hang off me in certain places. I'm gutted that I no longer seem to have any cleavage to speak of, and I detest the fact that I'm practically tattooed in a spider-web of stretch marks.

And yet, when I looked in the mirror the other day, all I could think was how round my stomach looked, when I'd been quite happy with it the previous week, and how I should therefore up the sit-ups. I guess what I'm trying to say, is that the grass isn't always greener. I thought that losing weight would be the answer to my lacking self-confidence, but in reality, it's had the polar opposite effect. Read this post, by Alex, as she's totally and completely right.


This dress, which I won last week in a Clothing at Tesco competition on Twitter, does actually fit me, which is why I've added the outfit photos to this otherwise word-vomittey post. I guess once the shopping ban is over and I buy some clothes in the correct size, my confidence will hopefully return.

6 comments:

  1. You look fabulous at every size, honestly. You have done so well to be so dedicated and lose the weight you wanted to. Your shape before weight loss was my ideal shape, the size and shape I want to be. Isn't life mad, we are never happy with our lot. You are looking terrific in that frock xx

    ReplyDelete
  2. i understand your insecurities as i definitely have my own too, but in all honesty every time i've read your blog (though i am a relatively new reader) i've envied your figure - you seem tall, statuesque and slim. your clothes always look beautiful on you and it's a shame you can't see yourself the way readers might see you. i know exactly how you feel about not being 'one of the skinny girls' and it seems i always want to buy clothes that would hang beautifully from a rail-thin frame and forget about my own figure, but one of the good things i've found about blogging is it helps you learn your own shape and see what works, and gain confidence. i hope you start to see yourself in a more positive way soon, but please don't push yourself to lose more weight because you look great as you are now. xxx

    ReplyDelete
  3. I've followed your blog for about a year and the whole time I think you've looked beautiful. Your is the blog that has inspired me to get out of jeans and experiment with dresses and colours more, because I think you look fab.
    Hope you're ok xx

    ReplyDelete
  4. 'Word-vommity'? Oh dear, what MUST you think of my posts?!
    I understand the insecurities, I don't know many people who aren't unhappy with their figure/looks in some way and this is sad that we find it hard to love what we are or have or look like when others think that we look lovely.But, in my humble opinion, I always think you look lovely and wear garments that really suit you and flatter you (especially the dresses! Beautiful!)whehter you believe that yourself or not, so thank you for providng me with lovely images to look at every day!

    (Incidently, that's not very nice from the 'oh you've lost weight' in a surprised way that people talk to you!)

    Take care x

    ReplyDelete
  5. I agree, I think a lot of people pin their problems on their weight, when perhaps there are other issues that need to be dealt with too.
    This dress looks stunning on you. I think you look great and perhaps a few new dresses would give you a confidence boost? An excuse to break the spending ban if I ever heard one! Looking back on your oldest posts I can see the same beautiful girl, but now you seem more mature as well as being slimmer.

    ReplyDelete
  6. You look great despite your confidence worries. xx

    ReplyDelete