|dress : monsoon // cardigan : matalan|
|necklace : dorothy perkins|
|shoes : primark|
I didn't take any photos of the outfit I wore yesterday. It was a pencil skirt (which I've worn before), a blouse and blazer as this meeting was a bit of a scary one and I didn't want to feel under-dressed for it. As I said, I've worn the pencil skirt previously, yet every time I caught sight of myself in the mirror or a window or anything, I couldn't help but feel physically sick at the sight of myself. I'm convinced that my thighs, stomach and bum are much bigger than they were a month or so ago. Like, completely and utterly convinced. I know that this is kind of crazy, as well as fairly unlikely.
One of the things I've done for Lent is give up crappy foods, and I've been swimming each morning and spinning several times per week. I can't think of any reason why I'd have put on weight. But I'm convinced I have. I am not very good at weighing myself, the whole process fills me with dread and stresses me out so much that I don't often do it, but perhaps I need to in order to better keep track, or at least convince myself that things aren't as bad as they seem.
At the moment, all I want to do is give up eating, curl up in bed and cry. I know I'm not explaining myself very well but I literally cannot think of anything positive to say when I see myself in the mirror. My brain just thinks "I'm so gross, so fat, horrible"; self-deprecating thoughts which I know is just going to make me feel even worse. People tell me to focus on the positive things, things I like about my appearance, but I'm genuinely not sure what they are.
I feel as though so many of my posts are like this lately and I wish I could change the way I feel. I'm just really struggling.
At least this necklace is cheerful. Worn for the first time in ages last week, I now recall it's also the heaviest necklace in the world ever and may have left a few marks on the back of my neck.