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Wednesday, 13 March 2013

If all you've got to do today is find peace of mind..

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dress : monsoon // cardigan : matalan
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necklace : dorothy perkins
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shoes : primark
I know this could potentially sound pathetic of me but the last day or so has been quite trying. Yesterday's meeting had been something I've been both working up to and dreading for a while, although now that it's out of the way and didn't go as horribly as I'd been worrying, I should feel a little better, as though a weight has been lifted. I suppose I do a little, but my day was made all the worse by my current feelings of despair about my size.

 I didn't take any photos of the outfit I wore yesterday. It was a pencil skirt (which I've worn before), a blouse and blazer as this meeting was a bit of a scary one and I didn't want to feel under-dressed for it. As I said, I've worn the pencil skirt previously, yet every time I caught sight of myself in the mirror or a window or anything, I couldn't help but feel physically sick at the sight of myself. I'm convinced that my thighs, stomach and bum are much bigger than they were a month or so ago. Like, completely and utterly convinced. I know that this is kind of crazy, as well as fairly unlikely.

One of the things I've done for Lent is give up crappy foods, and I've been swimming each morning and spinning several times per week. I can't think of any reason why I'd have put on weight. But I'm convinced I have. I am not very good at weighing myself, the whole process fills me with dread and stresses me out so much that I don't often do it, but perhaps I need to in order to better keep track, or at least convince myself that things aren't as bad as they seem.

At the moment, all I want to do is give up eating, curl up in bed and cry. I know I'm not explaining myself very well but I literally cannot think of anything positive to say when I see myself in the mirror. My brain just thinks "I'm so gross, so fat, horrible"; self-deprecating thoughts which I know is just going to make me feel even worse. People tell me to focus on the positive things, things I like about my appearance, but I'm genuinely not sure what they are.

I feel as though so many of my posts are like this lately and I wish I could change the way I feel. I'm just really struggling.

At least this necklace is cheerful. Worn for the first time in ages last week, I now recall it's also the heaviest necklace in the world ever and may have left a few marks on the back of my neck.

15 comments:

  1. Oh Char :(

    I wish you could change the way you feel too. Have you thought about CBT or something along those lines? I'd suggest working with a personal trainer or something if you really feel you need to target particular areas of your body but I think the problem isn't really what your body looks like, it's how you feel about it.

    You're beautiful.

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  2. So sorry to hear that you're feeling this way. It's so horrible when you just can't shift negative feelings.
    Even before I read this I thought how trim you looked, and you honestly, really, really do.
    Alex is right, you are beautiful.

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  3. I don't really know what to say, except that your post doesn't come across as anything but genuine. Weighing/measuring might help you get a realistic picture of if/how your body has changed. I think Alex is right, that CBT might help. For what it's worth, I think you look great.

    xx

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  4. I wish I could make you see how beautiful you are! Maybe CBT is the way to go?

    Maria xxx

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    1. totally agree, you are wonderful and CBT may help. Love the Vivienne Westwood feel of this dress xx

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  5. I have no words other than really, I agree with the others on the CBT trail of thought. Over ten years of treatment in various forms it is the one thing that has given me my life back and my ability to cope

    xx

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  6. Ahhh Char :(

    I think you should consider CBT as has been mentioned above or possibly a counselling session? Perhaps changing the way you see yourself will lift your spirits a little. Personally I think you're beautiful so I hope that all the kind words of the other bloggers lift you a little.

    And the biscuits are by McVities :) I hope you start feeling better soon lovely.

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  7. Oh Char, I always think how gorgeous you are and look when I read your blog! (I have that dress by the way!)
    If any consolation, for a totally different reason, I have spent most of the evening crying my eyes out and hyperventilating and I feel really pathetic and blue and to a large extent I know and feel it's my fault and I am so annoyed with myself. I am now sitting here with a million and one things to do, a house in chaos and shredded nerves and I can't seem to do any of it!
    That necklace is HUGE!
    (By the way, if you want something to focus on, I say, HOT LEGS as a starting point!)

    Bless you beautiful, xx

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  8. Amazing necklace! Sorry to hear you're feeling that way. I agree with the others and also think you're beautiful. x

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  9. Char, I can't imagine why you can't see what we all see, it's so sad. I would agree with the points mooted re pursuing avenues of positivity x

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  10. I can only echo what everyone else has said already and mention that sometimes when losing weight you can start off feeling more bloated as your body gets used to dealing with the diet change in a different way (I'm not a body expert I've experienced and apparently is quite common so my SW consultant told me!) but maybe Alex is right in that its more about how you feel - especially if you've been having a bit of a roughy time too :(


    Beautiful necklace on a beautiful girly :)

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  11. You look fantastic, I truly think that what you are seeing is not what others are seeing, in my mind if the clothes fit & are comfy then you are okay. I am sorry things have been rough for you lately my dear, tense & stress laden & I really hope they improve for you & quickly.

    That necklace is divine! x

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  12. That dress looks great on you, I love it!
    Have you ever looked on My Fitness Pal? I started using in January and have found it so useful and inspiring. sending you a Hug, I know what its like to feel fed up about your weight xxx

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  13. Firstly I love the outfit and yes, that necklace looks like it would weigh a ton, it's very pretty.

    I can only really echo what everyone else has said and I think way deep down you know you're not fat as you're able to still argue with yourself about it (even in this post), but it's a struggle for you day to day to see that. I don't think there's anything that we can say to change your mind and for us it's plain to see you shouldn't have any issues, so I think that's where a professional could come in to help because there's something mentally making your mind go there if you know what I mean. I think it's very brave of you to continue posting when you're feeling like this and perhaps that's the rational thinking part of your brain taking over and saying 'post the images, you look fine'.

    Personally it's taken me to get to the biggest I've ever been to have the least amount of body hang-ups. A strange scenario! I can remember being a size 10 and thinking I needed to lose more weight, when actually there was nothing of me! Now as an 18/20, I'm much more accepting of who I am and how I look and am not constantly wanting to change that. I hope things get better for you, I'm here if you ever need to talk x

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